I used to pride myself on the fact that I only watched high-quality reality TV. This was maybe five, six years ago - before I'd succumbed to LAGUNA BEACH and then THE HILLS; before SHEAR GENIUS damaged the good brand set out by shows like PROJECT RUNWAY; before CROWNED: THE MOTHER OF ALL PAGEANTS was a glimmer in anyone's eye.

So, yeah. I DVR'd the first two episodes of DENISE RICHARDS: IT'S COMPLICATED and LIVING LOHAN. I ... I am practically speechless. This is trainwreck television at its absolute worst.

First up, let's talk Denise, whose potty mouth is so horrible she makes me feel positively G-rated. Okay, fine, she curses. Whatever. Denise is all about presenting herself as a Good, Single Mother and Devoted Daughter and Victim of Tabloid Journalism. She complains about past boyfriends, yet refuses to break out of her pattern of picking well-endowned dark-haired bad boys (hey - I'm only quoting Denise here). She breeds her pet pigs, gets an at-home airbrush tan, references WILD THINGS a dozen or so times. The entire series so far is about us watching Denise as she wanders through her life, wide-eyed and looking somewhat psychologically imbalanced.

Trainwreck TV.

Although I do have to say, there was a moment in last night's episode, when Denise goes to confront a tabloid journalist, and the journalist talks to Denise like Denise is a moronic piece of trash not worthy of the hack's time. In that instance, when Denise storms out, calling the hack the c-word, I almost - almost - cheered.

Next up is LIVING LOHAN, which is so much, much worse. Witness Ali Lohan, kid sister to Mistress of the Trainwrecks Lindsay. You can't blame these girls - watching Mama Lohan do her thing, you can totally see how they were victims of DNA. Dina swears that she's doing this show purely to set the record straight about her family - which is what Denise claims is her MO, too. I'm sure neither of them really care about the money or publicity or anything. No, it's all about truth in journalism. Dina Lohan is VERY concerned about this, and begins each day reading Page 6 and the tabloids for news about her daugther and herself. She even adds "Google us" to her assistant's list of duties. Self-absorbed much?

But last night's episode - in which the Lohans confront their twentysomething music producer friend about an article in which he's quoted as saying he's Lindsay's new boyfriend (when in reality he's never even talked to the girl on the phone) - oh, that took the cake. First, Ali gets all hyperdramaqueen on his ass, calling him a liar and slamming out of her bedroom vowing never to talk to him again. Then Mama Lohan sits her down and explains how Jeremy is the Bambi here, and how he doesn't understand the way the evil tabloids will twist his words. So, they sit down with Jeremy together, and Dina gives him the what-what, and then dismisses Ali from the conversation. In her one-on-one, it becomes pretty clear that Jeremy DID plant the fake story, but does Dina flinch? No, she merely informs Jeremy that she's using him as much as he's using them.

Flash forward to a party scene in NYC, where Dina is being honored for being on the cover of a magazine. Jeremy is there at this party, and I swear to god, Dina is eyeing him up like he's a Whopper with cheese and she hasn't had a meal in the last month. Cougar alert! No wonder she doesn't want to dismiss the cutie, even if he is an opportunistic liar. I would bet money that Mama Lohan tries to bed this boy at some point, whether we see the footage or not.

I do not think I will be watching LIVING LOHAN going forward, as doing so makes me feel like I need a shower. As for Denise - the jury's out on her. For now.